Who wants to be my billionaire?
This is an exciting opportunity! See below for details on the position and how to apply.
Happy Cinco de Mayo to all who celebrate Mexico’s victory over the French and also to those who don’t know anything about the actual history and just want to drink margaritas.
I joined WGN Radio’s Legal Face-Off last week to discuss the case of Jack Teixeira allegedly leaking tons of classified US intelligence documents on Discord and how the bigger issue is the US government making the security clearance process a box-checking exercise rather than a common sense process. You can listen to the segment here.
Also, a new web site, Shepherd.com, is helping readers find books of interest to them. I made a list of the best books about adventures in Africa (some of which inspired Victor in the Rubble). Check it out here.
Class 8 of my Foreign Influence Operations course goes up Monday. If you listen to the audio, you get a special treat.
ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT
Who wants to be my billionaire?
I am looking to hire someone to be my billionaire. This is a new position, so you’ll have the opportunity to show initiative and really shape the role. I am open to being either a Congresswoman or a judge (the former seems to require less studying but more screaming on my part, while the latter requires more studying up front but then just waving a gavel around for life; we can discuss specifics at a later date).
What I’m looking for in a billionaire:
A megayacht. No matter what your mistress tells you, size matters. And if you and I are going to fuck America, we’re going to need at least 500 feet. You want me to pervert justice? I’ll need an onboard spa and a bar with stools covered in whale foreskin.
A good conversationalist. I am going to have to spend a lot of time with you on your private jet and yacht. I cannot turn down these vacations; that might hurt our friendship. But please, at least be interesting.
An eclectic art collection. Don’t try to wow me with Banksy, Warhol, or Hitler. I want to see that you spent $350,000 at your kid’s elementary school auction on the finger-painted self-portrait of the girl who sits next to your kid. Everyone buys their own kid’s art at the auction. But you’re not everyone. You’re a billionaire. Buy the other kid’s art.
Well dressed. If you show up at my office asking me to put a chokehold on a law requiring you to stop streaming your factories’ acid-runoff into the local community pool that hosts Mommy-Baby swim lessons, you better not be wearing khakis with an ill-fitting, pilled cardigan and a bow tie. You’re a fucking billionaire. It doesn’t have to be all Zegna suits all the time. In fact, avoid Italian fashion completely if you can’t pull it off. But at least make an effort. If you’re a tech bro, the hoodie stays home.
A strong jawline.
The equivalent of private school tuition paid directly to me. Listen, my son made this crazy decision to go to university in Europe and his entire undergraduate degree will cost the equivalent of about two days in a fancy private school in the United States. I don’t know why he wants to hang out with all those socialists, but it means you can’t go paying his school tuition because average taxpayers are already doing the heavy lifting (lol, people paying taxes… idiots, amirite?). What’s left to pay of the tuition is peanuts and you’re a billionaire and this is a transaction. So instead, you can just give me what you would have paid, had he gone to university in the US. In the immortal words of the singer P!nk: Keep your drink, just give me the money.
Any citizenship. Don’t think you can’t apply just because you’re not a US citizen. We have workarounds for these types of things; they’re called LLCs and Dark Money and we have the Citizens United ruling—paid for by billionaires like yourself—to thank for that.
What you’ll get from me:
In return for your largesse, I promise to pass legislation (or uphold legislation, if we go the judge route) that will help you get richer. After all, you need lots of money to be able to afford me.
To apply:
Please send an email outlining your legislative needs, along with a copy of your tax documents showing exorbitant revenues and zero taxes paid, to: BeAlexFinley’sBillionaire@america.com
Please also send your application fee of $100 million to my offshore account in the Caymans.
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of stories you should be reading
(Note: I reserve the right to rant in depth about any of these at a future date)
RUSSIA
Russia’s disinformation campaign works ‘quite successfully’ (DW)
NATO warns Russia could target undersea pipelines and cables (Politico)
RUSSIA TURNING INTO VENEZUELA
Get out of Russia while you still can, ex-oligarch warns Western energy giants (Politico)
AMERICA LOSING HER MIND
Ex-FBI agent who feds say urged Jan. 6 rioters to kill police worked terrorism task force (NBC News)
YOUR FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK
Zero gravity and a lot of spice. That’s what it’s like to eat in space. (El Pais English)
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
Once you get that billionaire, you’re going to need a wingman. Just sayin’.