The Ark and the Covenant
A secular take on the Biblical worldview of new House Speaker Mike and his Johnson
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ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT
New House Speaker Mike Johnson brings a fresh perspective to American politics not seen since the 18th century. Tolerance, equality, and vaccination are, after all, post-modern constructs that destabilize our republic and have brought our nation to the brink of destruction. Thank God (literally!) for Mike Johnson, who will now try to bring those 18th-century values back in vogue (not the magazine; he would never let his mind be poisoned by women’s writing).
The new Speaker of the House is a creationist. The person second in line to the presidency believes Earth was created a few thousand years ago and that humans and dinosaurs roamed the Earth together. As a lawyer, Johnson helped promote a group called Answers in Genesis in their quest to build a theme park based on Noah’s Ark, called Ark Encounter.
Like Noah, the brave men behind this theme park faced dangerous floods of legal challenges. But with Johnson’s help, they were able to stay afloat with massive tourism subsidies while still ensuring they could apply religious standards to their hiring process. Want to clean toilets? You have to be able to stand all day, be capable of lifting up to 40 pounds, and sign the company’s Statement of Faith. The job also requires the employee to maintain a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and regularly attend “a local Bible-believing church.” I trust those shitters smell like Heaven. (Quick question: are there churches that are not Bible-believing?)
During a 2021 radio conversation, Johnson said, “The Ark Encounter is one way to bring people to this recognition of the truth, that what we read in the Bible are actual historical events.”
Answers in Genesis—the company behind Ark Encounter and its sister organization, the Creation Museum—takes the Genesis story as truth: namely that God created Earth and everything on it in seven days. Creationists are quick to point out this doesn’t mean seven literal days, you bonehead. Of course not. Because God hadn’t created calendars yet, which led to a few awkward scheduling conflicts between Adam and Eve. If she had just listed in her Google calendar that she planned to go apple picking, so much conflict could have been avoided. No, the Genesis story probably took longer than what you and I think of as seven days. Although, to be fair, seven days of having Mike Johnson as Speaker feels too long already.
Where Evolution Is As Real As The Unicorn
Having looked into children’s camps and their water slides of fun in North Korea, I couldn’t help but explore all that Ark Encounter has to offer. I may put all of this in a travel guidebook one day.
The park includes a life-size replica of the Ark, according to its Biblical measurements: 510 feet long, 85 feet wide, and 51 feet high. Ark Encounter calls its Ark a “modern engineering marvel,” which I think is kind of disrespectful to Noah, who built that same shit 4,000 years ago without the help of computers, modern cranes, or Google calendar.
For size comparison (because you know for someone named Johnson, size matters), Dilbar, the yacht belonging to Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov, is 512 feet long, and it only fits 24 guests and 96 crew members, so there’s no way two of every animal could fit on that thing.
But Ark Encounter does explain how Noah was able to fit all the land animals on Earth on his smaller-than-a-Russian-yacht-Ark. You see, the idea that Noah brought two of each species of animal on the Ark is hogwash. Instead, he brought two of each kind of animal, which is different. Creationist scientists (there’s a phrase I never thought I’d type) explain that modern-day science pulled a “bait-and-switch” in changing the definition of the word “species” in an effort to make Christians look ignorant. Yeah, because it’s Science’s fault that Evangelicals look ignorant. In any case, Ark Encounter has calculated that in a worst-case scenario, Noah had 6,744 animals on board.
Much of this comes down to creationists melding the teachings of the Bible with their own science. “How Science Confirms the Bible” is one presentation on offer for children at Ark Encounter. The presentation explains to bright-eyed young ones why evolution isn’t real. It is taught by a woman who was educated at Liberty University, that bastion of Evangelical thought founded by Jerry Falwell Sr. then taken over by his son, Jerry Falwell Jr., who used to show coworkers sexy photos of his wife while talking about how often he nailed her and how she loved his penis size; and who later was involved in a scandal in which his wife had sex with the pool boy while Falwell looked on; you know, good Evangelical “traditional values” (which seem less real than evolution, in my humble opinion).
Children can also get a lesson in Fossil Dating. I’m not talking about Evangelical elders hooking up with children. Rather, Fossil Dating teaches children that “Noah’s flood created the vast majority of fossils just a few thousand years ago.” Learning such deep (and incorrect) knowledge isn’t cheap. Such children’s seminars can cost up to $40. An adult day-pass to Ark Encounter costs just under $60 (it’s cheaper if you combine it with a ticket to the Creation Museum, giving you more Bible for your buck).
One section of the Ark visit is titled, “What About All the Manure?” It goes on to explain that all those animals could shit over slatted floors and that somehow contained the shit for the entire journey and somehow there was enough ventilation that everyone could still breathe. It’s not a miracle, just Biblical fact.
Ark Encounter also hosts a two-story buffet restaurant, which might explain what happened to the unicorns.
Covenant Marriage
Speaker Mike Johnson and his wife have a covenant marriage, which is currently legally recognized in only three states: Arizona, Arkansas, and Louisiana (where Mike and his Johnson hail from).
Couples entering a covenant marriage must get pre-marital counseling and agree marriage is for life. Divorce is only allowed if: 1) one spouse commits adultery, 2) a spouse commits physical or sexual abuse of the other spouse or a child, 3) a spouse commits a felony, 4) a spouse uses illegal substances, and 5) both spouses live separately for one or two years.
As the law in Louisiana states: Only when there has been a complete and total breach of the marital covenant commitment may the non-breaching party seek a declaration that the marriage is no longer legally recognized.
In short, mutual consent of the two spouses isn’t enough to get a divorce.
But considering that Speaker Mike touted the same election fraud bullshit that Jenna Ellis—who recently pleaded guilty to a felony—did, Mrs. Mike Johnson might find herself with the option of number 3.
What’s Up With Mike’s Obsession With Johnsons?
For a man who supports covenant marriage and traditional family values, Speaker Mike sure thinks a lot about other people’s johnsons. He supported the criminalization of consensual gay sex, which inevitably leads to the question: How long before this guy is caught soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom or gallivanting with his own pool boy on a yacht somewhere?
In opposing marriage equality, Mike and his Johnson have stated that “Homosexual relationships are inherently unnatural,” adding that, if marriage equality is allowed, soon enough people will have the right to marry their pets. Listen, if Noah was never tempted during a year on his animal-laden Ark, I think we’re safe on that front.
Johnson also wrote: “Experts project that homosexual marriage is the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.” Honestly, “chaos and sexual anarchy” kind of sounds like a healthy person’s twenties.
And it’s not just other men’s johnsons that Speaker Mike is concerned with, but also what women allow men’s johnsons to do to them. Speaker Mike is in favor of a nationwide abortion ban. After all, don’t have sex unless you want a baby (Men: this is only a rule for women, not for you). Johnson wants women to close their legs to their partners but open them for the government.
Speaker Mike opposes abortion not just for the regular GOP talking point reasons, but also because abortion is bad for the economy, apparently. “You think about the implications on the economy. We’re all struggling here to cover the bases of social security and Medicare and Medicaid and all the rest. If we had all those able-bodied workers in the economy, we wouldn’t be going upside down and toppling over like this,” he said. Yes, if only women would keep popping out workers to feed federal programs that Republicans want to cut. Makes perfect sense (and also is very respectful!).
What a Load of Bullshit
Mike and his Johnson said he believes he came to office because he was ordained by God, which I am assuming is a SuperPAC that funnels dark money into Republican campaign coffers. He has advocated for teaching the Bible as accurate history, while working to open our bedroom doors and our wombs to the government. He’s also an election denier, which, to be fair, requires faith and a complete dismissal of evidence and facts. So it only makes sense he would be.
When it comes to Johnson and his ilk, I’m not sure the writers at Ark Encounter realized they had posed the most poignant question of all: “What About All the Manure?” Indeed.
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of stories you should be reading
The news this week was bad, and the analysis this week was bad. I didn’t read a single article I thought worth sharing. Instead of catching up on bad news, I hope you spend a pleasant weekend with nice people doing nice things that fill you with joy.
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
Never have I encountered someone like Mikey who is so proud and eager to display his ‘stupid’. The man is truly a condom on the Johnson of progress.
Are there Bible-believing churches and churches that are not “Bible-believing?” Oh yes, in the world of the fundies, most assuredly. The fundamentalists are literalists. Every word is to be believed. The Bible, to them, citing 2 Timothy 3:16, is “God-breathed.” Theopneustos. Churches who speak of Biblical references as “parables” or “allegory?” Apostate. Yes, yes, the actual books of the Bible as decided in the various Councils were determined after Timothy, that’s SO NOT THE POINT. The Catholic Bible contains the Apocrypha, not part of what the fundies believe is Theopneustos. And don’t get me started on the Book of Mormon. Bible-believing churches is shorthand / code for “Protestant fundamentalists, we who barely tolerate the Pentecostals.”