Russia, desperate for weapons, turns to Steven Seagal to train Russian military in martial arts
The actor is only one of several antiquated weapons systems Russia is dusting off
Welcome to spring!
I was delighted this week to chat (again) with Italian blogger Leonardo Salvaggio about the war in Ukraine and Russian influence in Italy. You can listen to the interview here.
Class 5 of the Foreign Influence Operations course will be posted Monday (March 27).
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The camel conversation was great last time, but I’ve discovered something about another animal I love and I need to discuss it. I’ll send the link an hour before.
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ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT
In another sign that Russia is running out of modern weapons, this week brought the amazing news that former actor Steven Seagal will be training young Russian military recruits in martial arts. Presumably, Russia plans to conquer Ukraine one over-the-shoulder flip at a time.
For those who haven’t followed Seagal’s career, here’s a quick recap to bring you up to speed: Seagal is a black belt in aikido who brought his martial arts skills to the big screen in the 1980s and 1990s in a series of films almost always titled “[Preposition] [Noun],” such as, “Above the Law,” “Under Siege,” and “On Deadly Ground.” By the 2000s, his films were going straight to video. In early 2016, he was granted Serbian citizenship after teaching martial arts to that country’s special forces, and later that same year, he received Russian citizenship. Toss in a few rape allegations and you basically have his full biography.
Seagal has described Vladimir Putin as “one of the great living world leaders.” And he knows great leaders! He sometimes hangs with Venezuela’s Nicolas Maduro and the Philippine’s Rodrigo Duterte. All great guys!
Earlier this year, Putin granted Seagal the Russian Order of Friendship. And now, the Russian president has called on the 70-year-old to train the military.
This comes as Russia has been dusting off some other antiquated weapons systems. According to an intelligence update from the United Kingdom Ministry of Defense, Russia is sending troops to the front with 60-year-old tanks and armored personnel carriers from the 1950s. And now, they have aikido taught by a septuagenarian, so they have that going for them. Soon, they may have to loot the Hermitage for Romanov spoons to carry into battle.
In honor of Seagal’s contributions both to cinema and to Russia, I’ve decided to update the plots of some of his films and set them in the present day. Enjoy!
Hard to Kill
An action thriller about a courageous central European country invaded by the giant next door. While the giant anticipates an easy three-day “special military operation” to take over the country, the locals—led by a former comedian determined to get the last laugh—show grit and determination. In the face of this invading monster, these brave defenders aren’t going anywhere.
Submerged
The story of the Russian warship Moskva.
China Salesman
A year after launching a “special military operation” meant to last three days, Russia’s president invites China’s president to Moscow, in an attempt to win his support and garner financial deals to help Russia’s economy, which is ailing under international sanctions. The Russian president removes his shirt to demonstrate to the Chinese president his virile prowess. The Chinese president is unimpressed and proceeds to leverage the situation to his advantage, as he laughs at the shirtless Russian president groveling at his feet. The meeting ends with Russia on track to be a total vassal of China.
Under Siege
The story of the Russian military in eastern Ukraine.
Marked for Death
Angry after a second summer of not being able to spend time on their megayachts in Sardinia, and pressured by their mistresses who are withholding blowjobs until they can go shopping in Paris again, a group of Russian oligarchs and former spies under Western sanctions plot to kill the Russian president and end his “special military operation.” They lure him to a dacha in the forest, where he is eaten by a Russian bear high on cocaine.
Out for Justice
A plucky prosecutor from the International Criminal Court hunts down the Russian president and delivers him to the Hague.
Above the Law
This time around, no one is.
Got any of your own updated Seagal plots? Put them in the comments section!
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of stories you should be reading
(Note: I reserve the right to rant in depth about any of these at a future date)
RUSSIA
Pro-Moscow voices tried to steer Ohio train disaster debate (AP)
The ICC goes straight to the top: Arrest warrant issued for Putin (Just Security)
Looting, Stealing, Destroying: How Russia Weaponized Art Theft (European Resilience Initiative Center)
CHINA
What the hell is wrong with TikTok? (Politico)
AMERICA LOSING ITS MIND
Tallahassee principal ousted after complaints about Michelangelo’s ‘David’ in art lesson (Tallahassee Democrat)
Goldman Sachs asks: ‘Is curing patients a sustainable business model?’ (CNBC)
YOUR FEEL-GOOD STORY OF THE WEEK
In the 1970s, Belgium experimented with having mail delivered by cats
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
😂 Good stuff…👏