Who's on first, at Walgreens
A trip down the (lack of service) rabbit hole
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ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT
I’m in Denver visiting my parents, and every day, I hear them on the phone dealing with insurance companies, doctors’ offices, car repair shops, tree care companies, and a parade of other places that offer “services.” Except, more often than not, their service sucks. In their attempts to “streamline” and be “more efficient,” many have added an element of AI. Want to make an appointment? Press 1. Want to leave a message? Press 2. Want to speak to a human? Fuck you.
Even when you get a human, they often follow a script. And if your needs deviate one iota from the norm that has been written into the script, your experience is going to be hell and you’ll be wishing you could press something that would bring sweet release from what I call “lowest common denominator society”: the idea that everything has been simplified to appeal to the masses. This might be great for most people. But if your needs fall outside of the boxes to be checked before a form can be validated, fuck you.
I mostly blame management consultants for this. For years, they’ve been applying templates to every corporation, creating this lowest common denominator world we are now forced to live in. That PowerPoint presentation with active verbs and words that have been overused to the point of losing all meaning? Yeah, that was made by a consultant. They are even worse when they apply their templates to the public sector, as I have ranted about in the past.
All of which is to say: we have over-organized ourselves to the point where nothing works.
WTF at Walgreens
My mother recently had a not great experience with the pharmacy at Walgreens, where she had placed an order for a product. The product was not a prescription, but still, the store would only order it through the pharmacy. She had tried multiple times to call the pharmacy to ask if the product had arrived. Several of the calls were just her on hold for thirty minutes before it rang through to a human who then put her on hold which then cut off the call. Another time she got a human who could not find a record of the order. A few of the calls were her on hold and then it just cut out. Meanwhile, she would call on her cell phone and await a call back, which also never happened.
Eventually, my mother was screaming things into the phone like, “TALK TO A HUMAN BEING!” as the automated call center tried to parse her request. “DO I SOUND LIKE A ROBOT,” she yelled into the phone using her best robot voice, “BECAUSE YOU ARE A ROBOT AND I NEED A HUMAN BEING.”
My mom has been dealing with a lot lately, so I offered to actually go to the pharmacy and figure out what was going on with this product she had ordered.
Here is a rough transcript of the conversation I had with the pharmacist. This all took place through the drive-through window, since, for reasons unknown, the pharmacy had closed inside the store for the afternoon (although it was technically open).
Me: Hi. My mother called you recently and placed an order for X. I’d like to know if it has arrived yet.
Pharmacist: Oh, I remember her. I personally took that order!
Me: Great! Could you tell me if it has arrived yet.
Pharmacist: It has not arrived yet.
Me: Could you give me some indication of when it might arrive?
Pharmacist: If it hasn’t arrived yet, it won’t arrive.
Me: I’m sorry. What?
Pharmacist: If it isn’t here after a few days, it probably won’t arrive.
Me: You mean, it won’t arrive today?
Pharmacist: No, it just won’t arrive.
Me: But it was ordered?
Pharmacist (very proudly): Oh, yes. I ordered it myself!
Me: So, you ordered it but it won’t ever come?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Me: Maybe it would have been a good idea to let her know this medication she ordered is not going to arrive?
Pharmacist: There’s no way we could know that.
Me: Except that it hasn’t arrived yet.
Pharmacist: Yes, and if it isn’t here yet, it’s not going to arrive.
Me: Is there a way to check with the place you ordered from to find out what the problem is?
Pharmacist: Oh, no. Impossible. It’s all online. I know, I ordered it myself.
Me: So, should we order it again?
Pharmacist: You could order it again.
Me: Will it ever arrive?
Pharmacist: Probably not.
Me: What do you suggest? How can we get this product?
Pharmacist: She could order it from a different Walgreens pharmacy.
Me: Is the other Walgreens pharmacy going to order it from the same place you ordered it?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Me: So, then it probably won’t arrive.
Pharmacist: Correct.
Me: Maybe she should order through a different pharmacy altogether.
Pharmacist: That’s what I would suggest.
As I drove off, I heard him say, “Thanks for shopping at Walgreens.”
What did we learn?
My husband was in the car with me. As I pulled out of the drive-through, I asked him what had just happened, and he was as confused as I was. I believe his exact words were, “I have no fucking clue what that was.”
I’m sure there is some larger message in this about corporate greed leading to the decline of the service industry. And there are probably some warning signs in there about how much worse this will be when AI takes over every aspect of customer service. I mean, already humans in these jobs seem to be losing their critical thinking skills.
But for now, I’ll chalk it up to lowest common denominator society. Had my mom ordered a regular prescription through regular channels, I likely would not have faced the proud pharmacist who ordered it himself but couldn’t deliver.
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of stories you should be reading
RUSSIA
UNITED STATES AND UKRAINE
Giuliani associate Lev Parnas urges House GOP to abandon Biden probe (NBC News)
UNITED STATES AND DRUGS
Koi fish, puppies, bananas: ingenious ways smugglers get drugs into US (USA Today)
WEST AFRICA
How the coup in Niger could expand the reach of Islamic extremism, and Wagner, in West Africa (AP)
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
Lowest common denominator in this instance is survivable, although aggravating. But imagine the Air Traffic Controller who hasn’t received the new manual & regs. (How about that near mid air collision over Florida this week) Or the Surgeon who asks for the sternal wires to close the chest after Heart Surgery and the nurse tells him they don’t have any? (True story) Maybe the race to embrace the high tech world is instead a sprint towards our ruin? God save us….or maybe the Aliens.
In about 90 days, you'll probably receive an AI-powered phone call notifying you that the item you were seeking has been returned to the (secret storage depot for TIYWS) because you haven't picked it up, "please order it again, and Thank You for Shopping At Walgreens <beep boop>."
(I was initially thinking this experience reminded me of The Onion's airport parody, but it has distinctly Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy-bureaucracy tones to it. https://www.planetclaire.tv/quotes/hitchhikers/the-hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy/ )