That Time I Met Kim Jong Un
An excerpt from Kristi Noem's newly renamed memoir, "This Definitely Happened"
We had a good time at VESPERS yesterday, talking falling bears, why we won’t be taking Hungarian trains anytime soon, and new ideas for Pirelli calendars. It was fun! We’ll do it again soon and I hope everyone will join!
ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT
Following is an excerpt from Kristi Noem’s newly renamed memoir, “This Definitely Happened.”
That Time I Met Kim Jong Un
It was a cold North Korean day. You know the kind, one of those windswept but crisp days one often experiences when visiting the Hermit Kingdom, as we all do. But Kim and I were warmed by the spontaneous, totally voluntary, frenetic applause of his many admirers. It reminded me of the warmth I see in Trump’s supporters, wrapped in diapers and American flags.
Kim complimented my teeth and said he, too, endorsed the Texas dentist who had fixed my smile. Kim has visited Texas as many times as I have visited North Korea.
He and I shared a wedge of cheese, Emmental—Kim’s favorite, a delicacy he fell in love with during his youthful school days in Switzerland, where I also met him.
We went on his yacht. I wore a thong bikini emblazoned with the American flag, which must always be respected. Kim looked fit in a shiny Speedo, because this story is real and definitely happened. I’ve never seen someone so fit, except Donald Trump, of course. And Corey Lewandowski. We slid down the waterslides together, Kim and I, as I lectured him about not being a tyrant, even if he is a tyrant we can all love (I’ve seen those love letters between him and Trump).
I told Kim about Cricket, my untrainable dog that I had no choice but to shoot dead in a gravel pit. Kim understood my plight and sympathized. He, too, has shot living things in gravel pits for being untrainable, although he tends to use anti-aircraft guns. Next time, I promised him. I’ll use anti-aircraft guns next time I kill a puppy.
Another option Kim mentioned, and I can’t believe I didn’t think of this myself, would have been to keep Cricket and use him to bite my political opponents to death. Kim has done this. It’s a good idea.
I’ve met lots of world leaders. I once picnicked with Pol Pot. He showed me beautiful fields. Cricket would have felt right at home there, that fucking dog.
I met China’s President Xi. I stared that tyrant down, telling him he and his Commie wokeness were no match for me. Putting your pronouns in your name, President She? Nice try. You’re a man.
Emmanuel Macron tried to date me. This also definitely happened.
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of stories you should be reading
PROPAGANDA, AUTOCRATS, AND MAGA
Russia and China Are Winning the Propaganda War (The Atlantic)
RUSSIA
Russia can lose this war (CNN)
USA AND CORRUPTION
The case for convicting Senator Menendez of bribery (CREW)
Texas Rep. Henry Cuellar and wife indicted on bribery and foreign influence charges (NBC News)
EUROPE AND CORRUPTION
How MEPs make millions on the side: Legal advice, speeches and Covid cures (Politico)
EU plans to ban Russian funding for political parties, think tanks (Bloomberg)
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
Not speedos, a "Jong" strap, have to keep up with the branding !!