America's Not So Happy Birthday
It's my country and I'll cry if I want to
A friendly reminder that Rant! is a reader-supported publication. Thank you for making this newsletter possible!
ALEX’S WEEKLY RANT!
Happy Birthday, America. Sorry you’re going through so much shit these days.
Remember when you used to stand for enlightened ideas like democracy and the pursuit of happiness? Like, six months ago? Good times, right? Well, girl, you’ve changed, and I think it’s because of that man you keep electing to hang out with.
Honey, why are you letting this narcissistic twat change who you are? You’re better than this. You’re better than him. He’s hanging out with some really shitty other guys, and you’re going to find yourself dragged down by all of them.
This week, your man again made moves to force you to hang out with Vlad, the guy who keeps punching Volodymyr in the face. He’s not letting you help Volodymyr by sending him what he needs to defend himself. He’s also actively helping Vlad, by allowing Vlad to get everything he needs to strike Volodymyr.
Volodymyr believes in a lot of the same values as you do (or you used to, at least). Even if you don’t want to be BFFs with him, do you really want to be BFFs with the bully?
Let me be clear: nobody likes Vlad. He’s a dick.
Your man is also making a bitch out of you and all your peeps. Demanding corrupt payments, refusing to pay for you and your peeps if you’re sick or hungry, deporting your neighbors, and just generally undermining the rule of law. In just the last two days, we’ve received news of one January 6er being named head of the National Sherrifs’ Association and another joining the Department of Justice. And don’t even make me talk to you about SCOTUS.
I could go on, but it’s your birthday, so I won’t. But I will tell you this, America: Like Vlad, your man’s a dick.
Maybe you’re having a midlife crisis, but at this rate, this won’t be midlife for you. This will be more toward the end. I mean, next year is the big 2-5-0. Even Athens didn’t last that long.
Girl, I hope you get your mojo back soon and this won’t be some three-generation Dark Age phase for you. So many of us love you! But you have got to get yourself a new man. Or woman. It’s the 21st century, for Christ’s sake. We’re cool with that. Other countries are doing it. Don’t be afraid to experiment, like that one time in college.
Happy Birthday, America. This isn’t the birthday party any of us wanted, but we love you and we want to see you succeed!
THE WEEK’S LINKS
A roundup of things you should be reading
RUSSIAN ATTACKS ON THE WEST
A Clever Russian Phishing Attack Using Fake State Department Employees (Foreign Policy)
Arson attack on Ukrainian restaurant in Estonia ordered by Russian intelligence (ERR news)
EXCELLENT RESOURCES!
Just Security has launched WHAT JUST HAPPENED? as well as a litigation tracker to help readers keep up with the chaos
Alex Finley is a former officer of the CIA’s Directorate of Operations, where she served in West Africa and Europe. She writes and teaches about terrorism, disinformation / covert influence, and oligarch yachts. Her writing has appeared in Slate, Reductress, Funny or Die, POLITICO, The Center for Public Integrity, and other publications. She has spoken to the BBC, MSNBC, CNN, C-SPAN’s Washington Journal, France24, and numerous other media outlets. She was also invited once to speak at Harvard, which she now tells everyone within the first ten seconds of meeting them. She is the author of the Victor Caro series, satirical novels about the CIA. Before joining the CIA, Alex was a journalist, covering Capitol Hill, the Pentagon, and the Department of Energy. She reported on issues related to national security, intelligence, and homeland security. Did she mention she was invited to speak at Harvard?
I love me some HCR, but this is the read of the day. Celebrate for the country we had, and the one we will rebuild.
I celebrate the democracy for "We, the people..." and for the promise of good trouble to re-create that democracy.